When a baby dies, many parents think they are the only one who suffers. How can you continue to live with this loss? When you are pregnant again, the sun will slowly start to shine again. As your pregnancy progresses, you regain hope and a little confidence in a good outcome. You can’t and don’t want to take into account that this will happen to you again. But then things go wrong again. It is not possible that fate should strike you again.

After the loss of a second baby, the loss is even greater. You’ve become parents of a much-desired baby for the second time, but you’re left empty-handed again. The whole film replays. Unfortunately, you are an expert by experience in an area where you don’t want to be that at all. You will meet the funeral director again. The script is back on the table and you often know exactly what you want and certainly don’t want. Some parents want exactly the same thing, others opt for a completely different farewell. Much bigger because they want to introduce more people to their child or much smaller because they can’t handle facing so many people again or having to cross the threshold of the crematorium again. Whatever you choose, everything is fine, as long as it suits you.

Sometimes it turns out that your children have the same genetic defect and they told you the first time that it was bad luck and that nothing would stand in the way of a new pregnancy and a healthy baby. Nothing could be further from the truth. Not only do you lose your newborn baby for the second time, but the future suddenly looks very different. The chance that the next child will also be ill is 25%. At the same time, percentages and statistical probabilities don’t mean anything to you anymore, because it happened to you for the second time.

All kinds of feelings pass in review: the intense grief for a second child that is not there, anger at and disappointment in your own body, anger at the doctors and/or midwives because of not intervening or intervening too late, gloom when you think about your situation, uncertainty because you do not know what the future will look like. Are we going to try again? Do I dare? Does my partner dare to do that? Do we want to do that again to a possible brother or sister that is already there? These are all questions that are not easy to answer.

The most important thing is that the second child who has passed away has also become part of your life history. Consciously taking time and space to give this child a place within your family is important.

“ Not again, not our Emma, how are we going to tell this to her sister, to our parents and family… I felt total desperation after our biggest nightmare came true again, when our Emma died over 9 months old from the same heart defect as her brother Luca. Still, we got into a kind of survival mode and we all knew how we were going to make the most beautiful farewell to Emma. After saying goodbye, the void came again. Now we had a daughter who had to miss her sister. We also had to deal with this grief. As a godsend, we found a family with a similar story through a forum. This has led to a warm friendship. And this has been very valuable during this difficult time! And still… ”

~ Esther, mother of Luca*, Julia, Emma* and Lina

“ The loss of our second baby was so surreal. You've already experienced it once and you don't really take into account that it could happen to you again. Because if you know it will happen to you again, then I might not have taken the step to get pregnant again at all.
The loss of our first child was intensely sad. Not only is there what you have hoped for, but also everything that comes your way in the hours and days after the bad news is overwhelming. Do we want to hold the baby? Do we want to take pictures? Do we want to take the baby home? Will he be buried or cremated? A world opens up for you that you had no idea about and don't want to have. At the same time, the organization around the loss of a second baby is easier in a wry way. The script is ready. The process is seemingly easier, but the grief is all the more intense, as my friend put it. With the loss of a second baby, a piece of hope for the future has also been lost. Will it still be okay?
I felt very alone after the loss of Job and Lisa. After the first time, you realize that you are not the only one who has lost a baby during or just after pregnancy. You probably know several people in your immediate or indirect environment who have experienced a similar loss. This is different when it happens to you a second time. Then the group is more sparsely strewn and you are more alone. How do you explain to someone that you have lost a child not once, but twice? ”

~ Tamara, mother of Job*, Lisa* and Hannah